One of the problems facing most heavily settled areas is urban sprawl. It is simply defined as the expansion of urban and suburban areas over un-settled, rural areas. There are a lot of official PC-type reasons for this migration out of urban areas: better schools, less dense population base, bigger yards, and a desire to be surrounded by people in the same socio-economic bracket. Critics will cite the health and environmental impacts of sprawl, e.g. decreasing open space, encroachment on wildlife and critical habitats for wildlife, and the fact suburban populations tend to emit more pollution than their urban counterparts.
What I see is that urban sprawl is characterized by strip malls, big box chain stores, fast food establishments and made up of racially homogeneous populations of car (i.e. fossil fuel)-dependent families with little care for the environmental impact their “neighborhoods” create and even less interest in interacting with those who do not think, act and look just as they do. I see people driving absurdly big SUVs (of course on their cell phones), but are of the belief that we should expand drilling off-shore and in the ANWR to extract more oil to feed their lifestyle. I see people with their cell phones glued to their ears (thank goodness for Bluetooth) while out in public shopping for fear of losing contact with their like-minded brethren, forcing them to interact with the people that are “serving” them. I see a disturbing sense of entitlement as they shop their way through life, passing their socially retarded lifestyle on to the next generation of suburban clones.
Again, critics and proponents alike will argue their points to a stalemate, with more and more sprawl the likely outcome. I have another, somewhat more controversial answer as to why sprawl occurs. I believe that suburbanites escaping the city in a so-called “white flight” are really a manifestation of an innate desire to be closer to their rural, hillbilly kindred spirits. Let me explain. Both groups tend to be good god-fearing pro-life christians that somehow oppose a woman’s right to choose, but are ok going to war on false pretenses. They voted for “W” not only once, but twice (really?). It appears to be socially acceptable in both groups to go out in public in sweat pants and ugly boots. The big difference is that suburbanites feel it necessary to pay $60 for a pair of designer sweats and upwards of $200 for trendy, yet ridiculous Ugg boots. Both groups like to drive absurdly big, gas guzzling vehicles like there are no other options available to them.
Again, there are some differences. The hillbilly likely paid around $500 for his truck and drives around with the tailgate down, and the stay at home soccer mom’s husband paid around $50,000 for her Lexus Suburban Assault Vehicle that she likely doesn’t even know has a tailgate. Remember she has to remain safe by avoiding those pesky environmentally conscious drivers that seem to be swarming all over the road like mosquitoes at the campsite at dusk.
(Note from Author: It is now trendy and commonplace to find the Toyota Prius in the driveway of the suburban family, but before concluding that the fuel crisis over, check out the two car attached garage, the Lexus SUV is in there. Gotta keep up with Joneses).
The one difference that I am having trouble explaining is the absence of those “#3” stickers in the burbs and the absence of the soccerball minivan magnets out in hickville. Maybe this is the exception that proves the rule.
As I said this is a highly controversial theory, with neither group wanting to associate themselves with the other, but it is impossible for the outsider to ignore the similarities. We are witnessing a convergent evolution of sorts with the two groups getting closer and closer, both in proximity and their social mores. It is only a matter of time before the respective gene pools become one.
Disclaimer: Before you uptight, hyper-conservative suburbanites or you camouflage-wearing, English language butchering hicks get your feathers in a bunch (yes, hick, you shot the bird the feathers came from), this is meant in good fun.
PS, Memo to the chino-wearing, polo Shirt-donning Soccer Mom’s husband: Golf is not a sport, and golfers are not athletes but that is for another post.
Monday, November 3, 2008
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Contradiction
One of the things in life that has always puzzled me is how people live their lives in contradiction. This opening line can lead this post in a dizzying array of directions. Contradictions are all over the place, from heavy subject matter such as politics, religion (especially so when combined), the law (think Elliot Spitzer), to lighter subject matter, such as what occurs in sports. Think of all the contradictions you see in sports every day. There’s secretly wishing someone would “take out” the opposing star quarterback, yet you’re the first to cry “dirty” if it happens to your quarterback. There’s that whole time honored tradition in baseball of hitting an opposing batter when you feel their pitcher has intentionally thrown at one of your guys. How many times have you been on both ends of that one? It’s hard to admit your team was in the wrong, isn’t it? How many Cowboy fans have convinced themselves that Pacman is, deep down, a good guy?
It’s this lighter side of contradiction in sport that I would like to talk about, especially one that I’ve seen in myself. As a baseball fan, this is one of the greatest months of the year, but as a Yankees fan, my attention to the playoffs is a little bittersweet. For one, my 9 year old son likes the redsox (no, I can’t capitalize it even though the squiggly red line under the word is telling me I should), and even at such a young age, the art of trash talking has not escaped him. I fight every urge to not send him to his room, yet I have done my share of trash talking with him in the past. Contradiction #1. I find that I am enjoying the playoffs this year more so than when the Yankees have been there. Contradiction #2. Now some of you may say that this is just sour grapes and me trying to spin my worst nightmare. Let me explain further.
For one, I am watching and enjoying each game without caring who will win based on what team I would rather see the Pinstripes play, should they make the next round. I even find myself not caring if the redsox win. Some of you are screaming Contradiction #3, but despite his developing attitude, you always like seeing your son happy and into a sport that most of you will admit has been replaced by the NFL as America’s pastime. However, I will give you #3. Further, all of the teams in the playoffs, have young, fast, athletic talent that is a joy to watch. The game seems to be reverting to more of an athletic endeavor, with that talent being developed from within their own farm system. Now you are all screaming Contradiction #4. How can a Yankee fan say such things? What a hypocrite. The Yankees are the poster organization for overpaying for over-hyped talent developed in other’s farm systems while watching their young talent go and star elsewhere.
Well, where has that gotten the Yankees? Absolutely, nowhere. Since their last World Series Victory in 2000, they have been sliding ever so quickly out of the picture. They appeared twice more in 2001 and 2003, both losses. They get a pass for 2001. For one, it was one of the greatest series ever played from a competitive standpoint, and two, if you remember that was a tough fall for our country, especially in the big apple. But let’s look at their success from that point on. They lost to a young Florida team they had no business losing to. Remember when Miguel Cabrera was young and athletic? Now he is older and fatter, and his team did not even sniff the playoffs. Then, it all derailed for the bombers when the redsox came back from 3-0 down to sweep the next 4 games and all of the Pinstripe thunder. Remember all of those “Got Rings” shirts? Well, you look retarded wearing them now, don’t ya?
From that year on, it was first round exit after first round exit. Coincidentally it all came about as the Bomber Brass started going after every big name on the free agent market. There were no more Scott Brosius signings, no more Tino Martinez signings, good solid role players and fan favorites. There was Jason Giambi and his ridiculous 25 mil per contract and .240 BA. There was Carl Pavano. How many innings did he pitch in Pinstripes? Eight or Nine? Randy Johnson anyone? Looks like the redsox let go of Johnny Damon at just the right time, and now we have his anemic arm in the outfield. At least he is a good guy and a great interview, just past his prime. Then there was $-Rod. What a joke. Alex may go down in history with the greatest statistical numbers, but let’s compare his World Series numbers with another popular Yankee third baseman, Scott Brosius. Brosius hit .314 with 4 home runs and an MVP in 4 total World Series (3-1 record), and Cash-Rod hit…Oh yeah, he has not been to a World Series. Really? The greatest player in the game, and with postseason caliber talent around him? Never? You got it. What a waste of money. This is the 80’s all over again. Memo to Yankee Brass: STOP SIGNING EVERY BIG NAME ON THE MARKET. THEY ALMOST NEVER LIVE UP TO THEIR POTENTIAL. THEY LOOK GOOD IN THE MEDIA GUIDE AND SATISFY FANS IN DECEMBER AND JANUARY, BUT WHERE THE HELL ARE THEY IN SEPTEMBER AND OCTOBER?
What are the odds that this young centerfielder, Austin Jackson, will ever play in the new Yankee Stadium? 50-50? Or will he be part of a package that will bring us some over the hill pitcher at the trade deadline, because we find ourselves in the unacceptable position of second or third in the AL East, playing uninspired, boring baseball. Aren’t you tired of seeing the Yankees just sit back and wait for home runs? That’s all they’re capable of now. They don’t manufacture runs. They are almost never on “Web Gems”. They are too slow, too old, and too uninspiring. I’ll watch what baseball is offering this postseason any day.
It’s this lighter side of contradiction in sport that I would like to talk about, especially one that I’ve seen in myself. As a baseball fan, this is one of the greatest months of the year, but as a Yankees fan, my attention to the playoffs is a little bittersweet. For one, my 9 year old son likes the redsox (no, I can’t capitalize it even though the squiggly red line under the word is telling me I should), and even at such a young age, the art of trash talking has not escaped him. I fight every urge to not send him to his room, yet I have done my share of trash talking with him in the past. Contradiction #1. I find that I am enjoying the playoffs this year more so than when the Yankees have been there. Contradiction #2. Now some of you may say that this is just sour grapes and me trying to spin my worst nightmare. Let me explain further.
For one, I am watching and enjoying each game without caring who will win based on what team I would rather see the Pinstripes play, should they make the next round. I even find myself not caring if the redsox win. Some of you are screaming Contradiction #3, but despite his developing attitude, you always like seeing your son happy and into a sport that most of you will admit has been replaced by the NFL as America’s pastime. However, I will give you #3. Further, all of the teams in the playoffs, have young, fast, athletic talent that is a joy to watch. The game seems to be reverting to more of an athletic endeavor, with that talent being developed from within their own farm system. Now you are all screaming Contradiction #4. How can a Yankee fan say such things? What a hypocrite. The Yankees are the poster organization for overpaying for over-hyped talent developed in other’s farm systems while watching their young talent go and star elsewhere.
Well, where has that gotten the Yankees? Absolutely, nowhere. Since their last World Series Victory in 2000, they have been sliding ever so quickly out of the picture. They appeared twice more in 2001 and 2003, both losses. They get a pass for 2001. For one, it was one of the greatest series ever played from a competitive standpoint, and two, if you remember that was a tough fall for our country, especially in the big apple. But let’s look at their success from that point on. They lost to a young Florida team they had no business losing to. Remember when Miguel Cabrera was young and athletic? Now he is older and fatter, and his team did not even sniff the playoffs. Then, it all derailed for the bombers when the redsox came back from 3-0 down to sweep the next 4 games and all of the Pinstripe thunder. Remember all of those “Got Rings” shirts? Well, you look retarded wearing them now, don’t ya?
From that year on, it was first round exit after first round exit. Coincidentally it all came about as the Bomber Brass started going after every big name on the free agent market. There were no more Scott Brosius signings, no more Tino Martinez signings, good solid role players and fan favorites. There was Jason Giambi and his ridiculous 25 mil per contract and .240 BA. There was Carl Pavano. How many innings did he pitch in Pinstripes? Eight or Nine? Randy Johnson anyone? Looks like the redsox let go of Johnny Damon at just the right time, and now we have his anemic arm in the outfield. At least he is a good guy and a great interview, just past his prime. Then there was $-Rod. What a joke. Alex may go down in history with the greatest statistical numbers, but let’s compare his World Series numbers with another popular Yankee third baseman, Scott Brosius. Brosius hit .314 with 4 home runs and an MVP in 4 total World Series (3-1 record), and Cash-Rod hit…Oh yeah, he has not been to a World Series. Really? The greatest player in the game, and with postseason caliber talent around him? Never? You got it. What a waste of money. This is the 80’s all over again. Memo to Yankee Brass: STOP SIGNING EVERY BIG NAME ON THE MARKET. THEY ALMOST NEVER LIVE UP TO THEIR POTENTIAL. THEY LOOK GOOD IN THE MEDIA GUIDE AND SATISFY FANS IN DECEMBER AND JANUARY, BUT WHERE THE HELL ARE THEY IN SEPTEMBER AND OCTOBER?
What are the odds that this young centerfielder, Austin Jackson, will ever play in the new Yankee Stadium? 50-50? Or will he be part of a package that will bring us some over the hill pitcher at the trade deadline, because we find ourselves in the unacceptable position of second or third in the AL East, playing uninspired, boring baseball. Aren’t you tired of seeing the Yankees just sit back and wait for home runs? That’s all they’re capable of now. They don’t manufacture runs. They are almost never on “Web Gems”. They are too slow, too old, and too uninspiring. I’ll watch what baseball is offering this postseason any day.
Friday, October 3, 2008
Welcome to Suburban Absurdity. I decided to create this blog, mostly out of boredom, but also because I seem to have a lot of opinions about a lot of things. I will share my opinions on subjects ranging from sports to politics to observations of some of the frivolous, shallow things that people do. I have opinions on cell phones, the Yankees, their fans, drivers, rednecks, stuffy suburbanites, steroids in sports, steroids in politics, reality shows and much more.
I do not consider myself a good writer, or even an especially creative person, so my posts will most likely be sporadic. Feel free to comment on my grammar or my opinions. As I post more, I will try to incorporate more pictures to reinforce my arguments, but bear with me at first. Above all, this is meant in good fun and not meant to insult anyone too badly, although the posts generally will represent my true feelings. I am not so arrogant (i.e. republican) to believe that contrasting opinions are not only healthy for society but tolerance of differing thought, among other things, is (or at least should be) the cornerstone of a strong society. Too often, tolerance of ideals, race, creed, etc (you know the official equality statement) is sadly lacking, even among groups that profess to be welcoming and good, solid citizens (i.e. organized religion). So fire away.
I do not consider myself a good writer, or even an especially creative person, so my posts will most likely be sporadic. Feel free to comment on my grammar or my opinions. As I post more, I will try to incorporate more pictures to reinforce my arguments, but bear with me at first. Above all, this is meant in good fun and not meant to insult anyone too badly, although the posts generally will represent my true feelings. I am not so arrogant (i.e. republican) to believe that contrasting opinions are not only healthy for society but tolerance of differing thought, among other things, is (or at least should be) the cornerstone of a strong society. Too often, tolerance of ideals, race, creed, etc (you know the official equality statement) is sadly lacking, even among groups that profess to be welcoming and good, solid citizens (i.e. organized religion). So fire away.
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