Urban Sprawl - One Man's Theory

One of the problems facing most heavily settled areas is urban sprawl. It is simply defined as the expansion of urban and suburban areas over un-settled, rural areas. There are a lot of official PC-type reasons for this migration out of urban areas: better schools, less dense population base, bigger yards, and a desire to be surrounded by people in the same socio-economic bracket. Critics will cite the health and environmental impacts of sprawl, e.g. decreasing open space, encroachment on wildlife and critical habitats for wildlife, and the fact suburban populations tend to emit more pollution than their urban counterparts.

What I see is that urban sprawl is characterized by strip malls, big box chain stores, fast food establishments and made up of racially homogeneous populations of car (i.e. fossil fuel)-dependent families with little care for the environmental impact their “neighborhoods” create and even less interest in interacting with those who do not think, act and look just as they do. I see people driving absurdly big SUVs (of course on their cell phones), but are of the belief that we should expand drilling off-shore and in the ANWR to extract more oil to feed their lifestyle. I see people with their cell phones glued to their ears (thank goodness for Bluetooth) while out in public shopping for fear of losing contact with their like-minded brethren, forcing them to interact with the people that are “serving” them. I see a disturbing sense of entitlement as they shop their way through life, passing their socially retarded lifestyle on to the next generation of suburban clones.

Again, critics and proponents alike will argue their points to a stalemate, with more and more sprawl the likely outcome. I have another, somewhat more controversial answer as to why sprawl occurs. I believe that suburbanites escaping the city in a so-called “white flight” are really a manifestation of an innate desire to be closer to their rural, hillbilly kindred spirits. Let me explain. Both groups tend to be good god-fearing pro-life christians that somehow oppose a woman’s right to choose, but are ok going to war on false pretenses. They voted for “W” not only once, but twice (really?). It appears to be socially acceptable in both groups to go out in public in sweat pants and ugly boots. The big difference is that suburbanites feel it necessary to pay $60 for a pair of designer sweats and upwards of $200 for trendy, yet ridiculous Ugg boots. Both groups like to drive absurdly big, gas guzzling vehicles like there are no other options available to them.

Again, there are some differences. The hillbilly likely paid around $500 for his truck and drives around with the tailgate down, and the stay at home soccer mom’s husband paid around $50,000 for her Lexus Suburban Assault Vehicle that she likely doesn’t even know has a tailgate. Remember she has to remain safe by avoiding those pesky environmentally conscious drivers that seem to be swarming all over the road like mosquitoes at the campsite at dusk.

(Note from Author: It is now trendy and commonplace to find the Toyota Prius in the driveway of the suburban family, but before concluding that the fuel crisis over, check out the two car attached garage, the Lexus SUV is in there. Gotta keep up with Joneses).

The one difference that I am having trouble explaining is the absence of those “#3” stickers in the burbs and the absence of the soccerball minivan magnets out in hickville. Maybe this is the exception that proves the rule.

As I said this is a highly controversial theory, with neither group wanting to associate themselves with the other, but it is impossible for the outsider to ignore the similarities. We are witnessing a convergent evolution of sorts with the two groups getting closer and closer, both in proximity and their social mores. It is only a matter of time before the respective gene pools become one.

Disclaimer: Before you uptight, hyper-conservative suburbanites or you camouflage-wearing, English language butchering hicks get your feathers in a bunch (yes, hick, you shot the bird the feathers came from), this is meant in good fun.

PS, Memo to the chino-wearing, polo Shirt-donning Soccer Mom’s husband: Golf is not a sport, and golfers are not athletes but that is for another post.